The lessons I learned in 2024.

2024 is ending, and most of us are trying to figure out how to make it through the holidays without looking like Santa next year or losing our sanity.

The end of the year is a good time for self-reflection, evaluating the highs and lows, giving ourselves grace for not reaching our goals, practicing forgiveness, and reconnecting with our souls, which we often neglect.

Also, the end of the year can be an opportunity to practice self-care and self-love. Right now, I’m sitting in a cute coffee shop in Sedona marveling at the stunning colors of the Red Rocks. At first, I felt guilty about a self-care trip, because money is always tight. Sadly, when your tank is empty, and your thoughts spiral down into the abyss of negativity, life will feel overwhelming.  When it gets to that point, it’s time to take a break and fill your soul with things that bring you joy.

2024 was probably one of the roughest years of my life, one health challenge after another, and at times I wanted to give up.

I survived on hope and my motto “This too shall pass.”

The silver lining of any hardship or pain is that it teaches us to slow down and to practice patience and acceptance.

One of the most beautiful things that emerges from pain is that we experience more self-compassion and compassion towards others.

Here are some of the things I learned in 2024:

• Don’t push too hard, surrender to the universe.

Sometimes, the universe resists when we push too hard to accomplish our goals, which causes frustration or defeat if we don’t get what we want. If we let things unfold naturally, it will happen when we least expect it.

The universe’s plan doesn’t always make sense but if we connect the dots, it will crystallize later in life.

•  Stop waiting to get motivated.

Waiting for motivation is often useless because it’s based on subjectivity rather than objectivity. Action is always stronger than subjectivity because it distracts us from our thoughts, which can often be self-defeating.

I love Mel Robbin’s 5-second rule. According to Mel, we should not give ourselves time to think about a task. We should count to 5 and immediately start doing whatever we’ve been avoiding.

It doesn’t always work but the more you do it the easier it becomes…..now, count to 5 and keep reading my blog 😉

• The benefits of solitude.

When life becomes overwhelming, and you feel drained emotionally and mentally, solitude can be the best remedy to recharge your empty battery.

I have a ritual when I need to escape life’s stressors. I go to the bookstore (my happy place 😊) and walk around the isles waiting for a book to call my name….well, not literally call my name ; ). I picked up a book about solitude and was intrigued by the many benefits of solitude, such as:

• It helps you gain clarity.

• It increases your compassion towards others.

• It’s a good way to connect with your soul.

• It relieves stress and anxiety.

• It gives you a sense of freedom.

• It can spark creativity.

• Start every morning by setting your intentions for the day.

When we start our day on autopilot, we often fall into the rut of doing the same thing, which results in the same outcomes.

Whatever we want to accomplish, whether going to the gym or not eating so much sugar (I’m guilty 😳), we must set clear intentions.

Intentions are like a mile marker on your journey reminding you to stay on track.

• Courage is the catalyst for living our most authentic life.

Feeling “stuck” (in a job, relationship, etc.) is one of the worst feelings because you feel paralyzed by your inability to decide.

When you feel stuck making a change seems daunting because you are afraid to make the wrong decision.

The antidote to feeling stuck is courage; the courage to change even if we don’t know the outcome.

When we dare to live authentically, we will be more confident, more energized, it will be easier to change directions, and our souls will be filled with purpose.

•    A flexible mindset will help you overcome the most difficult challenges.

You never truly know the importance of a flexible mindset until you are confronted with a lot of mental or physical health challenges.

This year, I’ve been hit with multiple painful health problems, which totally derailed my goals, one of them was getting my yoga teacher certification. At first, I was angry at the universe and my body but after months of wallowing in self-pity I focused on the lessons I was supposed to learn.

The lesson I learned from this experience is that having a rigid mindset only leads to frustration, anger, and depression.

A flexible mindset will help you be more optimistic and discover new opportunities.

• Find your passion = Find your purpose

 Waking up with purpose every day is good for our mental health. It also energizes us, helps us stay positive, and makes life more meaningful.

Purpose looks different to each of us, but the common denominator is something that we are passionate about.

Let your passion guide you to find your purpose, everything else will fall into place naturally.

• Never seek validation from the outside.

Unfortunately, seeking validation is part of our self-esteem and self-worth. We seek validation for being good parents, for doing a good job at work, for looking good in our skinny jeans J, etc.

When I write a new blog post I wait for positive feedback from my friends and family, hoping to inspire people or broaden their horizons. I’ve been receiving less feedback, which made me question if I should continue writing my blog. Fortunately, I have a wonderful hairstylist who told me that she also expected her clients to tell her how much they love their haircuts, but the compliments didn’t come as often as she wished for. She told me that as long as I love writing, and it makes life more meaningful, I should continue writing without seeking validation from others. Thank you, Cindy, for the great advice ❤️

I hope you will take the time to self-reflect on the good and bad things that happened in 2024. Find your lessons and wisdom and share them with the people you love.

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope 2025 will be filled with many blessings, adventures, love, joyful moments, and self-discoveries 🙂

“Year’s end is neither an ending nor a beginning but an ongoing, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.”

                                                                                 (Hal Borland)

Passion vs. Logic

Noosa Heads, Australia, 1997

“Passion is the spark that lights the fire. Purpose is the kindling that keeps it burning all night.”

(Brianna West)

“Logic is the foundation of the certainty of all the knowledge we acquire.”

(Leonard Euler)

I’ve always been very passionate, making decisions based on emotions rather than logic. My impulsiveness has gotten me into trouble a few times, such as falling in love with a bad boy who swept me away with his poems and adventurous free spirit. I rejected good men because they didn’t ignite my passionate spirit.

Can you think of a time in your life when you made a decision based on passion (impulsivity/emotions) rather than logic, which you later regretted?

Did you purchase a sexy but expensive sports car instead of the reliable boring Sedan?

Did you choose your college major based on something you were passionate about rather than the opportunities it would provide you with?

Most of us have been victims of our passion, which is normal because emotions govern our mental state and drive our decision-making process.

What’s the difference between passion and logic, and how does it affect our lives?

Passion

• We use passion to drown uncomfortable emotions.

Following our passion can be exciting, but the pitfall is that we typically try to run away from painful situations, stress, sadness, unhappiness, depression, or lack of purpose.

My backpacking trip was something l felt passionate about, but it was an escape from the fact that I felt utterly lost after graduating from High School. Running away to visit exotic places sounded like the perfect thing to do in the hopes I would find myself. Well, I saw a lot of amazing architecture and stunningly beautiful landscapes, some creepy animals (if you are afraid of deadly snakes don’t go to Australia 😉 ) and met some cool people, but I came home with no direction for my future. If you use passion as an escape, or to fill a void in your life, reality will hit you like a brick wall.

Backpacking in Australia, Sunshine coast, 1997 😊

•   Passion is often unrealistic.

Unfortunately, a lot of ideas fail because they are based on passion but not backed up by logic.

Sometimes, I dream about becoming an entrepreneur, but most of my ideas are things I’m passionate about (like traveling, coffee, chocolate, writing, reading, dogs, nature, hiking) but logically they might seem like a fairy tale rather than a good business idea. Please don’t stop dreaming because it seems like a childish idea. Those who dare to pursue their dreams make this world more exciting.

•  Passion is tied to emotions, which can disappear quickly. 

Deciding based on passion can quickly backfire because impulsive thinking ignores rationality. That’s why you regret buying the expensive shoes on sale or kissing your sexy coworker at a Christmas party only to realize that you will see him every day at work….awkward!

Emotions are fleeting like clouds; if you make a big life decision let your emotions pass before you make a choice.

•  Passion makes you think your life is boring.

While sitting in my office cubicle, performing the same boring job task, my mind wandered to the “What if?”

What if I had pursued my passion rather than a safe reliable job? Would my life be less boring and more exciting?

“What if” is another form of regret, which can spiral down to dissatisfaction and sometimes even self-hatred.

Passion is like a distorted lens that makes you doubt everything, your romantic relationship, your job, or the missed opportunities in life.

•  Passion is like a distorted lens that makes you doubt your purpose.

I can still remember the first time I picked up a Psychology Book. I was very young, and Sigmund Freud’s words sounded gibberish, but I believed this must be the holy grail of human knowledge. I was convinced that becoming a psychologist would be a noble and purposeful job. I studied hard to become a therapist only to realize that it wasn’t my cup of tea. I’ve always been passionate about Psychology, which made me question my life purpose after giving up on a dream I worked so hard for.

After years of contemplation, and surviving the dark days, I realized that your purpose does not necessarily have to be tied to something you are passionate about. Purpose can be anything that excites you to get up in the morning and energizes you to do something meaningful with your life.

•  Passion makes life more exciting and intriguing.

 I couldn’t imagine life without passion, it would be dull and uninspiring. Passion is the fuel for new endeavors, adventures, and romances. Passion is the catalyst that motivates us to work on our goals or pursue our dreams.

“Passion is the fire, enthusiasm, and courage that an individual feels doing something that he or she loves while accomplishing worthy ends, something that satisfies his or her deepest needs.”

   (Stephen R Covey)

 Logic

• Gratitude is born out of logic.

Gratitude reminds us that behind every gray cloud, a ray of sunshine is trying to brighten our dark days. Logic will help us identify what we can be grateful for, even if it’s just something mundane like having a roof over our heads.

What are you grateful for right now?

•  Logic can help you dispute irrational thoughts.

If you never had an irrational thought you are perfect and don’t need to read my blog….LOL 😉

Unfortunately, irrational thinking is interwoven in our complex thought process. Logical thinking can help you dispute those annoying (often self-sabotaging) irrational thoughts, which can be caused by low self-esteem or depression.

•  Logic helps you identify if you “really” want what you want.

 The job of a model or a successful lawyer seems intriguing and glamorous, but there is a price tag for anything. Most of us want to have a nice body so we can feel more confident in our clothes or attract a potential mate, but when logic kicks in you find out that the price for an amazing body (give up sugar and junk food, exercise, etc.) is not worth the effort.

We can use logic to find out what we truly desire. If it’s not worth the effort it’s not important to you. It’s always been my dream to open up a coffee shop/book store but when I found out that I would have to get up early to open up my coffee shop I changed my mind quickly….as you can guess I’m not an early morning person 😆

•  Logic can help you prevent regretful decisions.

I’m an emotional shopper, which I’m not proud of, but in my defense, our brains are wired to justify impulsive actions because we don’t want to feel bad. I tried many strategies to overcome my emotional shopping, such as deleting apps or letting items sit in the cart for days, but most of the time my impulsiveness wins. Logical thinking can help prevent those purchases or actions that we later regret. Logic activates rational thinking, which can help us identify what we need or don’t need.

If you are a passionate person like me, it’s not easy to switch on your logical thinking. Passion is fueled by desire; when we get what we desire we feel exhilarated and constantly want to re-create that feeling. Hence, shopping can be so addictive!

I couldn’t imagine not being a passionate person, otherwise this blog wouldn’t exist.

If we can be wise in choosing when to use logic or passion, life can still be exciting, adventurous, colorful, and inspiring but without the feeling of regret.

Be passionate about embracing your authentic self, creating meaningful relationships, waking up with purpose, and living life to the fullest 🌻

Don’t let Fear Control your Life

 “Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck”  (Author unknown)

Most of us have dreams and aspirations but often we don’t pursue them because fear keeps us from following our passion. When I was younger (actually, before I became a mom) I was a free spirit, untamable in my desire for adventure and new experiences, willing to take risks and not worrying about failure. Unfortunately, the older I become the more I let fear paralyze my decision-making, which often leads to feeling stuck. Can you think of a situation in your life where you feel stuck? Maybe at your job or in a dysfunctional relationship?

I’ve been feeling stuck at my job because fear keeps telling me that the next job could be worse than the one I have right now, which is a very convincing argument to stay in my comfort zone.

Does living in our comfort zone make us happy? I believe it is an illusion we create to make us feel better for letting fear control our lives.

What would you do with your life if fear wouldn’t hold you back? What great opportunities have you missed because you were scared to take the plunge?

“Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will” (Suzy Kassem)

What does living in fear do to us?

• It kills our dreams.

When I was 20, I backpacked around the world, which was the most liberating and exciting experience of my life. Was I scared to travel by myself? Absolutely, but I didn’t let fear keep me from following my dream.

If you have a dream that makes you feel excited and energized, please don’t let your fear kill that dream.

• It robs us of our confidence.

 Our thoughts shape our confidence. Positive and self-loving thoughts nourish and grow our confidence like a fertilizer does for plants. Also, certain life circumstances, such as getting fired from a job or failing to reach a goal, will make our confidence plummet into the abyss of self-doubt.

The longer we let the feelings of self-doubt linger the more it will create fear in us, which makes it difficult to start a new job, create big goals, or follow our dreams.

• It makes it difficult to decide.

When it comes to any life-changing decision, I’m the queen of procrastination. I have such fear of making the wrong decision that I either don’t decide or I spend months ruminating over having to decide. Also, sometimes we wait for the stars to align perfectly believing it is a sign from the universe that we should take on the new endeavor. Well, what life experience taught me is that the stars will never align perfectly. We are the authors of our life story, meaning we are responsible for acting if we want our story to be meaningful and exciting.

• It causes excessive worrying.

Most of us worry, especially when fear paralyzes our rational thought process. Fear is one of those emotions that grip you tightly; it seems impossible to escape the whirlwind of worry, anxiety, and rumination.

Worrying drains you emotionally and mentally, which is a vicious cycle because it fuels your fear and vice versa.

You cannot change in the direction of your desire unless you silence your fear and embrace the unknown.

• It keeps us from growing.

 Our life journey is about creating meaning and purpose, fulfilling our potential, and growing into the person we are meant to be. Along the way, some of us will be dealing with chronic illnesses, obstacles seem to be around every corner, and conflicts with people threaten our emotional well-being. Mental, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth provides us with the resilience and wisdom to weather the worst storm.

• We miss opportunities and live with regret.

Living with regret is one of the worst things for our mental health because it bombards us with negative thoughts and sadness. I cannot tell you how many feelings of regret have resurfaced and lingered for a long time. It’s about those missed opportunities, unresolved conflicts with people, and not taking the risk to follow our dreams.

The problem, with most people, is that we dissect every decision leading to decision-making burnout. It’s even worse for people who struggle with anxiety because every decision-making process fuels their anxiety, leaving them emotionally drained.

What can we do to stop fear from controlling our lives?

• Slow down.

We live in a fast-paced world, where productivity is valued more than rest.

Unfortunately, living in the fast lane prevents us from being in tune with our body, mind, and soul. When we slow down, we can listen to our inner voice (intuition), pay attention to our desires, and allow ourselves to dream about new endeavors.

Moving to the slow lane will give you awareness of self-exploration, self-growth, and self-liberation.

• Spend time in nature.

There is something magical about nature, it not only melts away our stress and worries but also helps us think more clearly.

Next time, when you are confronted with something creating fear in you, go for a stroll in nature. The benefits of being in nature are endless, such as lowered anxiety and depression, improved attention and thought processes, increased positive emotions, better mood, more clarity, and energy to pursue our goals.

• Look at new opportunities as something exciting rather than daunting.

It is easy to talk ourselves out of new endeavors, such as looking for a new job or starting a business, because the obstacles are much easier to identify than the opportunity for self-growth. Unfortunately, we let bad experiences cloud our judgment whether it’s time for a change. Look at new opportunities as exciting and intriguing rather than letting your fear make you feel stuck.

• Journal

I’m aware not everyone enjoys, or finds the time, to write in a journal.  Journaling has helped me clear the clutter in my mind, find patterns in my behavior or thinking that make me feel stuck, or tap into my wisdom. If you don’t like journaling, you can also draw, doodle, make a pros and cons list, make a vision board, record your thoughts on your smartphone, meditate, or make a positivity journal/pinboard (add anything that evokes positive emotions such as pictures, quotes, affirmations, etc.).

• Remind yourself what’s important to you.

What is important to everyone will change over a lifetime. In my thirties, it was important to be the best mom I could be, but now as an empty nester, I want to create meaning and purpose in my life, I want to share the wisdom I have gained through hardship and experience, and I want to pursue my passion.

What is important to you right now? Does it require change? Are you willing to overcome your fear to make that change happen?

•      Let go of perfectionism.

 Perfectionism is another way of living in fear because you are afraid of not being accepted and liked by colleagues, friends, or family members; even worse your high standards make it impossible to be worthy of self-love.

Go out there and conquer the world. Don’t let fear be an obstacle to finding your passion, your calling, and your purpose. You got this!

You are worthy of living the life you imagine 😊

It’s all about Perspective

I recently took a trip to my home country Germany to re-connect with my roots, spend time with old friends, and eat lots of delicious cake 😉

Traveling is one of my favorite things to do because it’s not only a novel and exciting experience but also widens our horizons and changes our perspective.

Most people travel for the same reasons: to eat exotic and delicious foods, look at cool architecture, relax at a beach or in the mountains, and do exhilarating things like zipline through a waterfall in the rainforest. Another reason I like to travel is to gain new perspectives from people who grew up in a different culture.

My husband might think (no, he definitely thinks😆) it’s annoying that l talk to random strangers on vacation but I love short conversations with people I’ve never met before. If we pay attention to these brief interactions, they can teach us something about life and ourselves.

Different perspectives, from strangers or friends, can provide us with a better understanding of the complexity of life.

“All it takes is a tiny shift of perspective to see something familiar in a totally new light.”       (Dan Brown)

What can we gain from paying attention to different perspectives?

• It opens new possibilities.

 When we feel stressed out or confronted with a new problem we often focus on one perspective because it takes less mental energy. If our brain is on autopilot mode we fail to notice different perspectives, which can lead us to solutions and open new possibilities.

•  It makes you aware of your thoughts and actions.

All day long we are bombarded with thoughts and emotions. We often pay too much attention to them or ignore them altogether. Shifting our perspective can make us more aware of our negative and old thinking patterns.

• It reduces judgmental thinking and fosters empathy.

I must admit that I used to be quite judgmental, which doesn’t require as much effort as taking the time to develop understanding and empathy.

Empathy is about shifting your perspective from your beliefs and opinions to the other person’s hardships, cultural upbringing, and socioeconomic status.

• It creates deeper connections.

Meaningful connections are essential to our mental well-being. I never liked shallow relationships because they left me feeling empty. Listening to other peoples’ perspectives, getting to know them on a deeper level, and reflecting on the conversation can create more meaningful friendships.

“Meaningful connection is formed when we bravely share our truth.”  (Author unknown)

• It can provide us with hope and comfort.

Hope is an anchor that keeps us from sinking when life becomes overwhelming. Adopting a new perspective is a great way to generate hope and provide us with comfort during dark times. Life is like a kaleidoscope; every time you rotate the instrument you see a new picture. When you change the angle of how you look at things new solutions will crystallize.

•  It can spark creative and innovative thinking.

Even creative people need a little inspiration to produce their Masterpieces. My brother Leon and I are very good at bouncing ideas back and forth in the hopes we will find an idea that will make us Millionaires….well, so far no luck 😉

Other people's perspectives can inspire you to think outside the box or find your passion project.

“The best ideas emerge when very different perspectives meet.”    (Frans Johansson)

• It helps us develop more resilience.

How do we overcome hardship and new challenges? With resilience, which is an important ability that keeps us from collapsing under the pressure of life. People who are highly adaptable to life’s constant challenges are more successful, more positive, and happier. Adapting a flexible and open-minded perspective can help you weather the storm.

• It widens our horizons.

“Wisdom is your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how various parts and principles apply and relate to each other.”   (Stephen Covey)

Before becoming a world traveler, I grew up in a small town providing little mental stimulation and opportunities. I always wanted to spread my wings and discover what’s past the horizon. Unfortunately, time and finances don’t always allow us to travel as much as we would like to, but we can still get mental stimulation through learning and exploring new perspectives.

•    We learn new things about ourselves.

Sometimes, it can be scary to learn new things about ourselves because it can uncover hidden desires or make us aware of our weaknesses. We spend a lot of time trying to get to know our friends/spouse/partner, but we fail to discover who we are, what we desire from life, and what can bring us joy and happiness.

We can change our perspective in many ways, such as:

·      Meditation

·      Journaling

·      Reading an inspirational book.

·      Talking to a therapist or friend.

·      Talking to a stranger on a park bench or train.

·      Joining a discussion or support group.

·      Practicing yoga or tai chi.

·      Traveling

·      Listening to a podcast.

·      Self-reflection

·      Immersing yourself in a new culture.

I hope by reading this blog post you opened your perspective in a way that inspired you to discover more about life and yourself.

Life

Life is like a winding road along a beautiful coast.

The views are stunning, but the journey can be demanding and treacherous.

Life is like a Farmer planting his crops.

We must experience pain and hardship until we can grow into the beautiful person we are meant to be.

Life is like a Mystery Book.

Each chapter is a series of unforeseen and unpredictable events that will test our resilience and question our sanity.

Life is a spiritual journey.

Along the way we ponder the meaning of life, we question the purpose of our existence, and we try to find answers to our internal struggles.

Life is like a treasure hunt.

Following our inner compass can guide us to find meaningful relationships and explore our hidden desires.

Life is an Enigma.

If we have an open mind, we can uncover many mysteries.

If we have an open heart, we can discover the meaning of life and the joy of genuine human connections.

Life is like a Train ride.

Not everyone we meet on our journey will stay with us until the end, but they serve a purpose to help us learn and grow.

Life is like a blank canvas.

It is up to us to paint our life story as we envision it.

Life is like climbing up a mountain.

We cannot enjoy the marvelous views unless we endure the challenging hike to the top.

Life can feel like being trapped in a dark cave.

We feel lost and hopeless but when we finally emerge from the darkness the light shines so much brighter.

Life is like a camera.

If we use the wrong lens, it can prevent us from seeing the true beauty of life, which is often hidden by our complex and messy lives.

A poem by Brigite : )

How to find contentment wherever you are in life

A friend of mine recently moved back to Germany (my home country), after living in one of the most beautiful places in the world, Cannes France, where the rich and famous sunbathe on their stunningly expensive yachts…..who wouldn’t want to live there? ; )

I noticed my friend was constantly complaining about the bad weather in Germany; his discontentment was very strong, which I can emphasize, but I want him to experience joy and happiness even if his current life situation is not what he hoped for.

It is human nature to strive for goals or material things that we believe will make us feel content, successful, and happy. What happens when we don’t reach our goals, don’t get the desired promotion, or drive the car of our dreams? ……a red Porsche for me ; )

Being in a constant state of discontentment makes us feel restless, unhappy, and frustrated. Furthermore, we harshly criticize ourselves for not being smart or hard-working enough to live the life we desire.

Discontentment is like a wildfire that continues to grow, destroying our self-worth, self-esteem, and happiness.

I have spent most of my life in a state of discontent. Germany is too cold, Vegas is too hot, I don’t like my job, I don’t feel accomplished or successful enough, and my bank account looks barren like the desert I live in…..well, you get the point. Instead of focusing on the things I don’t have, I embarked on a journey of appreciating and loving what I have.

How can we create more contentment if our life is not exactly how we envisioned it?

• Get rid of idealistic standards.

There is nothing wrong with wanting what we desire and striving for a better life. The problem with idealistic standards is that we often can’t live up to them, which leaves us disappointed, defeated, and ashamed. I often ask myself where our, often unrealistic, standards come from anyway. We were not born with them because as children we were content with simple things, such as finding a four-leaf clover and excitedly bringing it home to our parents. I’m not advocating getting rid of our standards but I’m proposing to re-evaluate if they serve a good purpose or if they make us feel like losers because we can’t live up to them.

• Find the silver lining.

Every situation, as bad as it seems, has a silver lining. Often, we are not able to see it because we focus too much on the problem/misfortune rather than the opportunities that might arise from the situation. When I find myself bored or frustrated at work, I think about how lovely my co-workers are, and that I’m allowed to listen to podcasts and audiobooks, which inspire me for my future blog posts : )

• Change your perspective.

The view from the top of the mountain is indeed more magnificent than from the bottom of the mountain, but we can’t always make it to the top of the mountain. So, instead of always looking up, and thinking about what you haven’t accomplished yet, change your perspective, and notice the things around you. Often, we fail to notice the little accomplishments because we spend too much time focusing on the big goal. Ultimately, reaching our desired goals does not lead to contentment because we constantly must chase new goals to feel accomplished and happy. Enjoy the process rather than waiting for the end goal.

• Don’t judge yourself.

Self-judgment is toxic to our self-esteem. Why are we so harsh to ourselves but extend kindness to strangers?

When we judge ourselves, we chip away at our self-worth and self-love. Negative self-talk can spiral down to depression and self-sabotaging behavior. If we practice self-compassion, we are more likely to bounce back from failures and setbacks. Also, self-compassion helps us create more realistic standards. Honestly, do you really need to look smoking hot in a bikini to have fun at the beach? That’s a NO!

• Count your blessings.

During my painful journey of recovering from an accident, and not being able to walk for months, I started a morning routine that prevented me from falling into a deep depression. The minute I wake up I say, “Good morning universe, I love you.” I try to think about things that I’m grateful for….some mornings I can only think about coffee…lol….It’s not about how many things you are grateful for but about the practice of counting your blessings so you can start your day in a more positive and hopeful way. Sometimes, you must surrender to the universe and trust that this too shall pass!

• Is the quest for self-improvement beneficial to your happiness?

Shauna Shapiro, an expert on the power of mindfulness, said “We must change our mindset from self-improvement to self-liberation.”  I had a profound epiphany; years of trying to improve myself didn’t give me more confidence or elevate my happiness. It had the opposite effect. The more I worked on self-improvement the more I became frustrated when I couldn’t achieve the ideal picture of myself. That’s why I love what Shauna said about self-liberation: liberating ourselves from high standards so we can truly be who we are meant to be, even if it’s messy and not up to par with society’s expectations.

I hope you will find contentment wherever you are in life, that you can experience joy during pain and hardship, and that you practice self-compassion and gratitude every day.

I’m sending love your way : )

Why is shame such a toxic emotion?

Have you ever felt shame so intensely that you wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out?

Did the feeling of shame linger for such a long time that it started to erode your self-worth?

What is shame anyway?

Shame is an emotion that involves negative self-evaluation; we often believe that there is something wrong with us, which is not always based on facts but mostly arises out of fear of being judged by other people.

Most of us have experienced shame for different reasons, whether it is something we have done or not done, something we have fantasized about (our shadow side we don’t want to reveal to people) or some high standards we believe we have to live up to.

Let me tell you, shame is a toxic emotion, which I experienced firsthand when I dropped out of the master’s degree. I felt ashamed because I believed that I was letting down the people who supported me on my journey of becoming a therapist. The shame made me feel like a loser and, ultimately, I fell into a deep depression, which lasted hundreds of episodes of binge-watching Netflix shows. Eventually, I ran out of interesting shows to watch and hubby was tired of seeing me in the same yoga pants every day ; )

Out of the darkness came the inspiration to start this blog : )

 Why is shame such a bad emotion?

• It diminishes our self-worth.

 As soon as we feel shame we tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us, that we are a bad person, which not only results from our own moral compass but also our own insecurities. Our fear of being judged negatively by other people amplifies our feelings of shame. When we worry about other people’s opinions, we do not give ourselves permission to make mistakes. When you feel shame give yourself grace and compassion. You deserve it!

• It can cause or worsen anxiety.

 I still remember the agony I experienced having to tell my husband that I wanted to drop out of the master’s program. It took weeks of sleepless nights, and stomach aches, to muster up the courage to tell him. The shame I felt, and believing I was a loser, was so intense that my anxiety was up the roof. For anyone who has experienced extreme anxiety, they know it can be debilitating.

• It can fuel existing depression.

The Question “Does anxiety cause depression or depression cause anxiety?” has been debated for decades. What I know from experience is that anxiety, rumination, negative self-evaluation can cause or worsen depression. Shame is such a toxic emotion that it can skew our perception of reality. Letting go of shame is not easy; practicing self-forgiveness is the first step of letting go of shame.

• It can lead to anger and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Shame encompasses many aspects of ourselves. It’s not only that we feel shame for something we have done but also something we are not doing right. Someone who is obese might feel shame for his or her inability to lose weight, which can turn into self-sabotaging behaviors, such as binge-eating. I know when I feel shame I like to binge on sugary treats because it makes me feel better for a few moments. The problem with self-sabotaging behavior is that it makes you feel good for a short time but afterwards you experience more shame. It’s a vicious cycle!

• It can distract us from other painful feelings or memories.

When we experience shame, it can mask underlying issues that have not been resolved, such as childhood trauma. Often, shame can be a manifestation of a painful memory that we have chosen to bury deeply into our subconsciousness. Sometimes, it is easier to forget than to face the uncomfortable process of healing.

•   It can make us spiral down into perpetual negative thinking.

Feeling shame results in disappointment and harsh self-evaluation, which often overlaps into other areas. Feeling shame often gets mixed up with guilt, which are two emotions that can linger for a long time. I know from experience that one negative thought can grow into a wildfire of negative thoughts if we don’t put a stop to it. Personally, when I catch myself dwelling on negative thoughts, I allow myself to sit with it for 5 minutes. I don’t criticize myself for feeling the way I do. I do not analyze my thoughts, but I simply let them pass like a rain cloud in the sky. Self-compassion and acceptance are the keys for overcoming toxic emotions.

“Shame is the warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. When we feel shame, we damage the roots from which love grows.”     (Brene Brown)

What we can learn from pain

Have you ever experienced a very painful health challenge that has left you on the edge of despair and hopelessness?

If yes, you most likely had moments of self-pity, or you screamed at the universe for conflicting you with so much pain, or you begged upon a higher power to send you relief in exchange for being a better person.

This pretty much sums it up for most people who have experienced pain beyond their capacity to bear.

The reason why I’m writing this blog post is that I have been going through a health challenge that left me defeated and depressed. I had to make a choice, let this experience crush my spirit or learn from it. The universe has a way to inflict us with hardship or pain when we need to pause, self-reflect or become more self-aware.

“Every pain gives a lesson, and every lesson changes a person”

                                                                    (Author unknown)

 After two months of wallowing in self-pity, and driving my loved ones crazy, here are the lessons I have learned:

·      Patience

I’m probably one of the most impatient people; I want things done yesterday and my way, but when you are disabled, you are being forced to be patient if you like it or not. Not being patient comes with a host of other problems, like clumsiness, not being kind to yourself, not listening to your body, anger, frustration, and, sadly, prolonging your suffering. Practicing patience has allowed me to be more kind to myself and to avoid stressing about trivial things.

·      Creating short moments of joy

Our state of happiness is so fragile that it leaves us wondering if true happiness is attainable. Joy, on the other hand, is more easily attainable because it doesn’t depend on outside factors or high expectations. Joy is an internal state of mind that can easily be created, and no one can take it away from us. Cultivating joy can contribute to happiness but we need to work on it like practicing gratitude and acceptance. Think about what brings you joy and try to allow time for it. Right now, I’m sitting on the porch sipping my ice coffee and watching the cute little birds take turns on the bird feeder…the only thing that’s missing is the beach ; )

Creating joyful moments will help you endure the pain, whether it’s emotional or physical.

·      Acceptance and Gratitude

I think it’s in our nature to focus on the bad things rather than the good things. When we start identifying with the pain it becomes more difficult to shift our perspective. Believe me, I woke up many mornings wishing it was already nighttime so I could go right back to sleep to avoid the pain. Luckily, I have been practicing gratitude and acceptance for years, knowing it has helped me through similar challenging times. Don’t be too hard on yourself when acceptance and gratitude doesn’t always work. It’s a tool you can use to help you whether the storm but if you need to do some retail therapy or drink a glass of wine to make you feel better, go for it, I’m definitely not judging you ; )

·      Perspective

Everything is about perspective. Two people can look at the same thing but experience it differently. A few weeks ago, when I was at work, consumed by the pain and feeling sorry for myself, I complained to my coworker Brian. I asked him: “Why did the universe decide to inflict me with so much pain?” Brian simply said “It’s supposed to change your perspective,” which planted the seed for this blog post…..thank you Brian : )

No wonder many great thinkers have written about perspective. It’s a powerful tool to change your outlook on life and help you become aware of the possible if the impossible threatens to drown you.

“Sometimes, a change of perspective is all it takes to see the light”   (Dan Brown)

·      Trust the Universe

This is easier said than done. If the universe has a plan for me, shouldn’t I be sitting on the porch of my cozy log cabin, looking at the beautiful night sky, sipping on my Riesling, pain-free, and writing a Bestseller novel? Well, life is not linear, which means it has unexpected turns, sometimes setbacks, and lots of roadblocks. Does that mean we shouldn’t trust that the universe has a plan for us? I think this is for you to decide. I find it more comforting to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason takes a long time to crystallize itself.

·      Self-reflection

When you are forced to sit on the couch and rest, you have nothing but time to think. Instead of letting your thoughts spiral down into the abyss of darkness, you can reflect upon the experience and figure out how it can help you grow….or distract yourself binge- watching Netflix ; )  The choice is yours!

Whether you are experiencing emotional or physical pain, please don’t lose hope and joy for life. I know the despair you are feeling, but I believe you will make it through the darkness and emerge stronger than you were before.

Use the pain for self-reflection, self-care, to count your blessings, to pause and focus on what’s really important.

Sometimes we need pain to remind us NOT to take things for granted.

“This too shall pass!”  ; )

I’m sending you lots of healing vibes : )

The Pros and Cons of Being Nice.

“Being nice does not come out of goodness or high morals. It comes out of fear displeasing others and receiving their disapproval” (by Dr. Aziz Gazipura)

Do you consider yourself a nice person?

As long as I can remember I’ve always been a nice person. My friends would tell me that I’m too nice, which baffled me because I thought being nice is a good thing.

I had to dive deeper into this topic, not only to prove my friends wrong (I like being nice!) but also to better understand why being nice could be a bad thing.

Just like there are two sides of a coin, there are two sides of being nice.

Let’s take a look at the Pros and Cons of being nice and then you can come up with your conclusion……to my surprise, I came up with more Cons than Pros but don’t let that deter you from being a “genuinely” nice person.

The Cons of being a Nice Person:

• You constantly consider other peoples’ feelings without acknowledging your feelings.

Yep, that’s definitely me. Do you walk on eggshells to keep harmony in relationships/friendships? If you don’t acknowledge and voice your feelings it can turn into resentment. Living with resentment is toxic for a relationship. If you bottle up your feelings, you know exactly what’s going to happen; they will explode like shaking a soda can.

• You give other people the power to take advantage of you.

Being taken advantage of comes in many forms. Oftentimes, we don’t even realize that someone is taking advantage of us because we want to believe that people have good intentions. Are we naïve to believe that other people care as much about us as we do about them? It’s ok to believe that people are inherently good but always make sure that the ball is in your court; that way you feel empowered to make decisions based on what is right for you.

• You sacrifice your own needs.

It is all too common, especially for women, to sacrifice our needs to be accepted, liked, or loved. Unfortunately, society dictates gender roles. Women are expected to be nice and sacrifice their own needs for the sake of their children and family.

I call that bullshit!....excuse my language. Surrendering your own needs to conform to other peoples’ expectations, or out of desire to be liked, is detrimental to your mental and physical health. You are the only person who knows what is good for you. Prioritize your needs and don’t feel guilty!

•  Your self-worth relies on the approval of others.

 Being nice all the time should not be the prerequisite for getting approval from other people. It’s exhausting being nice all the time. Give yourself permission to have moments (or hours) of selfishness without needing to say or do something nice.

You’ll be surprised how much people appreciate your honesty if you don’t always hide your feelings behind your “nice persona.”

Your self-worth should only be dependent on how you feel about yourself and not on how people perceive you.

•  Ending toxic relationships/friendships is difficult for nice people.

I can’t tell you how often I remained in a toxic or unhappy relationship because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I wished I would have been more courageous back then. It would have prevented me from being miserable for a long time. Life is too short to sacrifice your happiness to prevent hurting other people’s feelings. They will get over it….and who cares if they are mad at you!

•  You are not being your authentic self.

Conforming to other peoples’ expectations means that you are not true to yourself. It’s like going to a masquerade ball pretending to be someone else. If we hide our true self from the world we deprive ourselves of living out our true potential. Let your inner light shine and embrace your authentic self.

The Pros of being a Nice Person:

• You can make someone’s day by being nice.

This is my favorite reason why I’m a nice person. I believe there is nothing more rewarding, besides finding a flattering pair of jeans for 80% off : ), than putting a smile on someone else’s face. You never know if someone is having a bad day. Your act of kindness can lift them out of their sadness, make them feel loved, or reduce their stress/anxiety/depression.

• Being nice can make you feel better about yourself.

OK, this is purely a selfish reason to be nice but there is nothing wrong with it. Nobody is immune to sadness, feeling defeated by life, or simply lacking happiness. When I find myself stuck in a dark cave I go out of my way to do or say something nice for a friend or even a stranger. This can create a ripple effect, which makes this world a more compassionate place.

• You can avoid hurting someone’s feelings or damaging their self-esteem.

 I like to be honest as much as possible, but you have to ask yourself if honesty will benefit that person or hurt their feelings. If someone is overly sensitive and has a low sense of self-esteem, being nice might be the only way to go.

Now, that I explored some of the pros and cons of being nice, how can we be nice without losing ourselves?

·      Healthy boundaries.

·     Does everyone deserve your kindness?

·      Don’t feel selfish taking your feelings and needs into consideration = SELF-LOVE

·      Embrace your darker side (your desires, your weaknesses, your true self that you hide from the world, etc.). Embracing your dark side can be liberating.....AND you can still be nice!

·      Be nice because it makes you feel good and NOT because you want approval or love from other people.

·      Ending a toxic relationship is the nicest thing you can do for yourself!

“You can be the ripest and juiciest peach in the world, and there is still someone who hates peaches”     (by Dita Von Teese)

The Power of Words

I recently had a thought-provoking conversation with a friend who made me aware of the choice of words I use. He pointed out that I use the words “I hope” and “I wished” a lot, which could ultimately keep me from achieving my goals or getting what I want. At first, I was confused. Doesn’t everyone use these words to express hopefulness and desires?

My friend explained that by saying “I wished” we don’t believe in the possibility that we can receive the things we desire, like love or success. When we use the word “hope” we are not confident in our own abilities to achieve our goals or dreams. My friend suggested that I swap “I hope” for “I will” and that I use “I want” instead of “I wished.” 

Our mind is a powerful receptor for the right words (uplifting, inspiring, positive, and encouraging) and the wrong words (negative, discouraging, depressing, and uninspiring). If we feed our mind with the wrong words, confidence in ourselves will diminish and our goals will be as difficult to reach as climbing to the top of Mt. Everest.

After the conversation with my friend I went to one of my favorite places in the world, the coffee shop : ), so I could reflect on what my friend said. Caffeine and a delicious treat definitely helps with self-reflection ; ).

Why are words so powerful?

• Words can Diminish our own Self-worth

Unfortunately, self-worth is not something that we are born with; we have to consciously work on it. Self-worth is often difficult to achieve because we have unrealistic expectations what our ideal self and ideal life should look like. We compare ourselves to other people who seem to have it all figured out while we struggle with self-esteem and confidence. The words we think or say out loud can make us feel less worthy and confident. Feed your mind with uplifting words, which will eventually make you feel worthy of all the things you want and desire.

• Words can Empower us

The right words can empower us, motivate us and make us feel like we are in control of our own life. The wrong words can make us feel like we are victims of outside circumstances.

Here are some empowering words you can use to make yourself feel strong, confident and capable:

• Bold

• Assertive

• Clever

• Courageous

• Adventurous

• Calm

• Determined

• Resilient

• Vivacious

• Words can Inspire

A lot of my blog post topics are inspired by conversations I had with friends/loved ones but also by listening to podcasts/audiobooks. Inspiring words can help us get into a creative state of mind or motivate us to start a new endeavor.

• Words can cause Self-doubt and Self-sabotage

I’m the “Mother of Self-sabotage”. When a great opportunity comes along, but it’s new and challenging, I find plenty of reasons to talk myself out of it. Is it caused by low self-esteem or fear of failure? Probably both! When an exciting opportunity comes along, or you are working on a goal, acknowledge it might be daunting but don’t feed your mind with discouraging words. If you focus more on the journey than the outcome, you’ll find less reasons to sabotage yourself.

• Words can make Depression and Anxiety worse

Unfortunately, anxiety and depression are often intertwined. When one gets worse the other one follows  : (

Using a lot of negative words can fuel mental health problems, while positive words can generate joy and well-being. I struggle with anxiety when life gets overwhelming (pretty much all the time…lol). Here are some of the words I like to think or say out loud to help me feel grounded:

• I’m blessed

• I’m compassionate and kind

• I’m grateful

• I’m lovable

• I’m resilient

• I’m optimistic

• I’m calm

• I’m accepting

• I love myself

• People are more Attracted to you when you use Positive words

 Most of us have the desire to be liked by others. You don’t have to be successful, beautiful or drive a Porsche to be liked by others….well, the Porsche would definitely make life more fun ; )

Nobody likes a Debby Downer! When you speak to people use    words that are uplifting, encouraging, kind, compassionate and positive. People will not only remember how you make them feel like but also the words you use during the conversation.

• Positive words are Self-love

 When you think or speak about yourself use words that are kind and compassionate. Your self-esteem is not just based on how other people perceive you but also how you feel about yourself.

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself. Every time you have self-defeating, self-limiting and belittling thoughts about yourself recall the things that make you love who you are.

Here is my list of the things I love about myself:

• I’m inquisitive

• I’m curious

• I have a good sense of humor

• I’m smart and capable

• I’m adventurous

• I’m a good friend

• I’m caring

• ……well, you get the idea ; )

Let the words you say (and think) be an inspiration to live the life you want, to uplift and encourage other people, to express gratitude for all the blessings in your life, and to manifest the things you desire.

“Words are seeds that do more than blow around. They land in our hearts and not the ground. Be careful what you plant and careful what you say. You might have to eat what you planted one day.” (Unknown)

“If we understood the power of our thoughts, we would guard them more closely. If we understood the awesome power of our words, we would prefer silence to almost anything negative. In our thoughts and words, we create our own weaknesses and our own strength. Our limitations and joys begin in our hearts. We can always replace negative with positive.” (Betty Eadie)

Conquer your anxiety and start living your life

I’m an anxious person and the older I become the worse it seems to get. I worry about things that might never happen. I worry about things I have no control off. I worry about things I shouldn’t worry about because they might not directly impact my life. Unfortunately, anxiety often goes hand in hand with depression. It is difficult to distinguish if anxiety causes depression or if depression causes anxiety. I know from my own struggles with anxiety that life can become overwhelming if anxiety hovers over you like a dark cloud. Anxiety starts controlling every aspect of your life, to a point where any decision you have to make becomes a major struggle. You stop enjoying life because feeling anxious all the time can be emotionally and physically exhausting.

If anxiety has taken over your life here are some tips on how do deal with it.

• Focus on what you can do right now instead of things you have no control of

I recently talked to my daughter, who is a senior in college, and she confessed to me that she is anxious about the future. She doesn’t know what she wants to do after college, she is worried that she won’t find a job she likes, or that she won’t earn enough money to pay her student loans. These are legitimate worries, but they stop her from living her life to the fullest. I’m sure most of us would be happy if we could take a glimpse into the future so we can prepare ourselves for what’s to come, or even prevent negative things from happening. Well, worrying about the future is as useless as worrying about the weather; we can’t control it. Take it from a control freak like me. In order to reduce my anxiety I always try to control my surroundings as much as possible because I don’t like bad surprises, but ultimately I stress myself out more trying to be in control instead of accepting life for what it is; unpredictable, mysterious, full of adventure and beautiful moments, but also a constant struggle. Focus on what you can do today and let tomorrow be a mystery.

• Don’t put too much emphasis on what other people think about you

I used to worry about what people think of me; if they like me, if they approve of me, if they find me interesting, if they think I’m pretty, if they have fun hanging out with me, etc. When friendships would end my self-esteem would take a hit because I believed I wasn’t worthy of their friendship, which I generalized to other friendships. Worrying about what other people think of you is wasted energy. You are not living your life for them. You choose how to live your life, how to dress, what kind of job you want to do, and what kind of believe-system you want to adopt. If one of your friend’s disapproves of your choices or actions maybe this person is not the right fit for you. So, please stop caring about other peoples’ opinions and start living the life you imagine.

• Don’t put too much on your plate (know your limits)

We live in an achievement driven society, which leaves little time for self-care, fun hobbies, socializing, or simply doing nothing. We evaluate our success by how much we can achieve in a 24 hour day; some people even sacrifice sleep. One of the biggest contributors to anxiety can be the simple fact that we have too much on our plates. Do we really need to have so many achievements and goals to feel worthy, confident, successful, and admired? I used to have a lot on my plate, which was mostly my own fault because I was driven by achievements and perfectionism, which led to burnout and increased anxiety/depression. If you prioritize what’s really important to you and let go of unnecessary goals you will have less anxiety and more time to enjoy life. Don’t worry about being the best at your work, losing those pesky last five pounds, or baking cupcakes for your kids’ school party (unless baking makes you happy, if not buy them at the store. Kids don’t care where the cupcakes come from). Don’t spend time with people who drain your positive energy, make time for people who lift you up and bring value to your life. Saying “no” to activities or people that won’t bring you joy is the best way to reduce anxiety. You need to determine what is necessary to survive financially and physically; the rest should be about your own happiness. Cut out the unnecessary commitments and you will feel a burden lifting of your shoulders.

• The only true love is self-love

You might disagree and that’s totally ok. There are many reasons why I advocate self-love, one of them is because earning peoples’ love and respect can be exhausting; we pretend to be someone else because we are afraid that we are not worthy of love; we lose our identity. Trying to gain someone’s approval, whether it might be a spouse or a friend, can be anxiety-provoking because you are not true to yourself. When you find someone who accepts you for who you are, with your charming imperfections, then love is a magical thing, but never stop loving the most important person in the world, which is you. Ultimately, you never know how long any person will be in your life (Of course, I want my husband to be in my life forever); the only constant in your life is you!

• Don’t listen to your inner critic

Self-doubt is the biggest confidence killer. It is normal to have negative thoughts and sometimes it can be healthy to re-evaluate some of our decisions and actions, but when it leads to anxiety and fear of making mistakes it can keep us from reaching our true potential. As I’m writing this blog post I have negative thoughts myself; what if I’m making a fool of myself trying to help you conquer your anxiety? Why would you want to listen to me? I’m not some famous psychiatrist who has written dozens of self-help books. I quickly shake of my negative thoughts and tell myself that my purpose is not to make everyone love what I have to say, but to share my own experience and hopefully make a difference in someone’s life. Your inner critic doesn’t want you to take risks because you might fail, which can be painful, but without taking risks you will never know what you can discover about yourself and the world you live in.

Of course, there are other ways to deal with anxiety, such as meditation, exercise, journaling, talk-therapy, etc.

I wish you good luck!

You got this : )

The lessons I have learned in 2023

Was 2023 everything you wanted it to be? If you are like most people you broke your New Years’ Resolutions faster than it took you to put them on your Vision Board (I love Vision Boards). If you didn’t accomplish any of your goals, please don’t be too hard on yourself. Goals are important but only if you don’t hate the effort trying to accomplish your goals. Ultimately, goals should help you become a better version of yourself, otherwise you are probably wasting your time.

The end of the year can be full of highs (Christmas cookies….yum) and lows (stepping on the scale….yikes!).

For me the end of the year is a time for self-reflection. I think about everything that I have accomplished or didn’t accomplish yet, the lessons I’ve learned, the people who made a positive impact in my life, and my personal self-growth. Iyanla Vanzant once said: “The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination…until you take the journey of self-reflection it’s almost impossible to grow or learn in life.”

Here are some of the lessons I have learned in 2023.

• Don’t expect from other people what they cannot give you.

I have been fighting with this one for too long. It has caused me disappointment, frustration, and the end of relationships.

Holding people to a certain standard is a recipe for disaster because it is not their own standard, which makes it easy for them to disappoint you. So, right now I’m only expecting you to read my blog and write me a three-page self-reflection essay about it…..lol….just kidding ; )

• You cannot expect other people to make you feel good.

It’s like expecting the sun to shine every day. If you are happy with yourself, you will have better relationships. Also, if someone wants to dump their bad mojo onto you it won’t drag you down. As a highly sensitive person, this has always been a source of grief for me, but I’m learning to let it go.

•   If you don’t believe in yourself your chance to fail is so much higher.

Even if you have a great idea or a unique talent, without believing that you can achieve your goals or dreams you will either self-sabotage yourself or not put the effort into reaching your goal.

• The first thoughts that pop up in your head when you wake up in the morning will likely determine the rest of your day.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who, sometimes, wakes up grumpy in the morning not knowing why I’m in a bad mood. When I’m starting out my day with negative thoughts it attracts bad things to happen, which makes my day progressively worse. I blame the world for the bad things that happened to me, instead of taking accountability for how I react to it. Now, I challenge myself to start my day with a positive mindset. A positive mindset might not guarantee that you will have an awesome day but at least you can weather any obstacles life might throw in your way.

•  It’s ok to give up on your goals or dreams.

If it causes you more pain and frustration to pursue your goals/dreams than the outcome will bring you joy than, most likely, it’s not worth pursuing them. At the end of the day, the journey is more important than the destination, but don’t stop dreaming; sometimes you have to give up on one dream for another one to crystalize!

• I’m exactly where I need to be right now….

Even if I would rather be lounging next to the infinity pool overlooking the shores of Hawaii and sipping on my Mai Tai, I know that the Universe has a plan for me. I just need to be patient and trust the journey.

• Put yourself first, even if it feels selfish to do so.

I used to be a people pleaser because I was worried to upset the people I care about, but ultimately it left me with resentment because I felt guilty doing the things that bring me joy. If you don’t fill your spirit, mind and soul with activities and things you love you will not be true to yourself. Also, how can you be there for other people if your tank is empty?

• Don’t try to find answers for everything. Let things be for what they are.

If you have an inquisitive mind like mine it can be a blessing and a curse. I’m like the annoying kid who asks “why?” a hundred times a day, not resting until I find an answer that seems to make sense in my mind. Ultimately, I’m just torturing myself trying to find answers to questions that might be better left unanswered. Answers do not always provide clarity and comfort!

•  The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.

You are not trying to compete with other people or live someone else’s life. Would I love to have Bill Gate’s Beach House in Del Mar? Absolutely yes : ) …….in my fantasies I’m throwing big parties for my friends there, but realistically I know it wouldn’t guarantee happiness.  The only thing that’s important is that you are living according to your own standards and values. Are you the person you really want to be? If not, what can you do better today or tomorrow than what you did yesterday?

•  A flexible mindset can help you overcome many obstacles.

The difference between successful people and the ones who get stuck in a hole of self-pity is a flexible mindset. I was the queen of self-pity, constantly blaming the universe for my misfortunes and lack of success. I had to work really hard to overcome my rigid mindset. A flexible mindset helps me see solutions or opportunities when obstacles are present.

• Self-Love is an important ingredient to Self-Esteem and Self-Worth.

Self-Love is a catalyst for Self-Care, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Development. Self-Love can help you feel worthy to live the life you imagine and to be treated by others the way you deserve to be treated. Also, Self-Love radiates outward and attracts like-minded people.

I challenge you to come up with 10 things you love about yourself. I know it’s not easy.

•  Without Self-Reflection there is no Self-Growth.

Take the time to think about the lesson’s life throws at you otherwise it will be like reading a book without understanding the plot or the message.

• We tend to ignore our Intuition because our Rational Mind wants to dominate.

I never thought intuition was important because I trusted my rational mind to make the right decisions; boy, was I wrong! Intuition can be like a divine or spiritual compass that will guide you where you need to be as long as you pay attention to it.

• Sometimes our fear of making the wrong decision can keep us from discovering our true potentials.

How does a child know what he or she can or cannot do? It’s simple, they don’t give it much thought. What gets grown-ups in trouble is our perpetual need to overthink and overanalyze everything we desire, we want to achieve, or we dream of.

If you don’t take the leap into the unknown, you will never know if it was the best decision you ever made.

• You cannot change your Life without changing your Attitude.

Earl Nightingale once said: “A great attitude is not the result of success; success is the result of a great attitude.” Your attitude determines so many things; if people like you or not, if you will be able to reach your goals and fulfill your dreams, and how you deal with setbacks. If you want to change your life for the better change your attitude first. 

I hope some of the lessons I have learned, often the hard way, will help you live the life you imagine.

Have a happy, prosperous, adventurous, joyful, exciting and successful New Year : )

Is it possible to live a meaningful life without knowing your purpose?

I read a quote that said “Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life,” which made me question if my life was meaningful at all because I’m still trying to figure out the purpose of my life. It is natural for most humans to question why they exist. For some people, this question might be easy to answer because they find purpose in their jobs, like being a doctor, but what if you don’t have a job that provides you with purpose? For other people, purpose might come from being a father or mother, but what if you were not blessed with a household full of children who need you. Other people derive their purpose from their spirituality, but some people lack spirituality in their lives. Having a sense of purpose is important to everyone because it has so many benefits, such as:

• Promotes longevity

• Enhances motivation

• Creates and fosters meaningful relationships

• Can prevent and alleviate depression

• Can prevent loneliness in old people

• Promotes resilience

• Boosts confidence

• Sparks creativity

• Helps with pain management

Here is the dilemma that people face who are uncertain what their purpose in life is. Purpose and meaning are like best friends. If you have purpose in life you automatically feel like you have a meaningful life. If you are doing something meaningful it will give you purpose. So, for those people like me who are still unsure about their purpose in life, it is more important to create meaning than to figure out why we exist. The relentless questioning about our purpose will take a toll on our mental health and keep us from enjoying life. I realized that my purpose is to create meaningful moments and genuine connections with people. I might not have a fancy career or a lot of money in my bank account……I’m still working on that ; ) Ultimately, we are all capable of creating a meaningful life that can give us purpose. It requires self-acceptance, creativity, curiosity, courage, self-reflection and 100% self-love. Good luck on your journey creating a meaningful life.

Empty nest - How can we make the next chapter more meaningful

When my daughter was younger she would listen to my stories traveling around the world before I became a mom, which awoke her own desire for adventures. I knew she would spread her wings and discover the world as soon as she would be old enough. During her junior year in high school she was talking about going to college in a different state or even country. She grew up so fast that I couldn’t believe she would be leaving the house in a year down the road. I started worrying about what life might be after raising a child. I imagined an empty house would leave me with no more purpose in my life. When the day came to drop of my daughter at college (luckily, she chose to stay in the same country) I was devastated, but I didn’t show my emotions because I didn’t want to ruin my daughter’s new adventure. On the drive back home I had eleven hours in the car to contemplate what life will look like as an empty nester. I miss my daughter very much but I have embraced this new chapter of my life, which is full of possibilities. If you are currently struggling with empty nest sadness, loss of purpose, or even depression, I feel your pain, but I believe that your life can still be meaningful and exciting. Here are some of the things you can do to make your next chapter more meaningful.

•  Worry less

Not worrying about your child is easier said than done, but the constant worry can make you physically sick. Also, showing your child that you constantly worry about them can be a burden on them. Trust that you have given your child the tools he or she needs to survive in the real world. Your child will feel much better about the new journey if he or she doesn’t have to worry about you. Your child is excited about his or her new adventure; be excited for them, but also start getting excited about the next chapter in your life.

• Remember, you had a life before your child/ren

Do you still remember the life you had before you became a parent? Being a parent is one of our biggest, and most meaningful, life roles; so, it’s no wonder that we feel devastated when we are no longer needed in that role. Just like an actor plays different roles we can choose to be play any role we want; our life is not defined by one role only. You are the author of your next chapter. Be curious, imagine new possibilities, stay open-minded, and re-discover your old self.

• What were some of the things you sacrificed?

Being a parent comes with a lot of beautiful moments, but it also comes with sacrifices, such as not having enough time for friends or hobbies. What were some of the things you missed while raising your kid/s? Maybe you used to enjoy creative hobbies or going to concerts with your friends. Or it could be something simple such as pampering yourself, getting a massage, or taking a bubble bath. Think about the things you enjoyed doing by yourself, with your partner, or with friends. Pencil fun activities into your calendar, learn to be spontaneous again, re-connect with old friends, re-decorate your house, plan your dream vacation, make a bucket list, date your partner again, join a book club, go on a road trip with your friends, take an art class, go camping, or learn to play an instrument. The possibilities to make life exciting and fun are endless.

How to expand your horizon

“Keep your horizons broad and ever-expanding. Don’t become narrow in your search for knowledge and never forget that wisdom is the proper use of the knowledge you have acquired. A lesson is not taught until we live it.”

 I love the above quote by Harold Lee because his wisdom sets the stage for this blog post. I can remember being thirsty for knowledge as soon as I was able to read my first book because books are magical, inspiring and healing.

When my daughter was in High School she was asked to describe her mother in one word. She picked the word “Inquisitive”. I was surprised, but also humbled, that she picked this word. Of course, I would have been equally happy if she would have described me as “fun” or “cool”…..lol ;)

The word “Inquisitive” can have a negative connotation, such as being improperly curious about the affairs of others. To me, being inquisitive means that I want to get to know people on a deeper level and widen my intellectual horizon. Also, a broader horizon provides us with a more flexible mindset, makes life more interesting, makes it easier to see other peoples’ perspectives and allows us to foster our curiosity.

I believe most people have an inquisitive mind because it’s in our nature to ask questions, to hone our intellectual minds and to appease our curiosity.

 What are some ways we can expand our horizon?

1. Get to know people who have nothing or little in common with you.

 We tend to associate with people who are like-minded because it reinforces our belief-system. The problem with that is that it makes us more rigid in our thinking because we don’t have to consider different perspectives and world views. Take the time to get to know people who have different spiritual and cultural beliefs, opposite political views, unique life experiences or seem to have nothing in common with you. This experience will not only make you more compassionate towards everyone’s personal struggles but also broaden your perspective.

 2.  Intentionally do things that are out of your comfort zone.

Most of us love our comfort zone because it makes us feel safe. The problem with your comfort zone is it will keep you from experiencing life to the fullest, it will make you complacent, it will make you miss new opportunities, and it will keep you from growing into your full potential.

What was the last thing you did that was out of your comfort zone?

It could be anything you haven’t done or tried before, like moving to a different state (even better, moving to a new country), or it could be something that seems scary and dangerous, like skydiving or eating a fried scorpion on a stick (as seen on many travel shows but I’m not sure if I would try it….lol). Don’t dream your life because the reality can be so much more exciting than your fantasies.

3.  Ask questions, be curious.

 As children we annoyed our parents with our unbounded curiosity, eventually we became adults and our curiosity seemed to fade away. It’s not that our curiosity vanished into thin air; it’s more about our daily problems slowly eating away at our young, curious spirit. I asked a friend what he likes to do to expand his horizon. I loved his answer so much that I’m going to steal it for this blog post. He said: “What I like to do to expand my horizon is stay curious. Curiosity is the gateway to exploring all things, all possibilities and keeps us wanting to know how to get better and meet our full potentials in our relationships and within ourselves. Curiosity is a powerful force!” Now, unleash your inner child (or “Dora the

Explorer”) and start discovering what life and this planet has to offer.

 4.  Change up your routine

 OK, I have to admit I’m a routine person. I like to start my day drinking coffee (preferably Pumpkin Spice, but my friends already know I have an obsession….lol) and watching a Documentary or House Hunters International. If my routine gets disturbed by unforeseen forces I can become a little annoyed. Routines can be a good thing if they are part of a self-care ritual or bonding time with a loved one. The problem with routines it makes us less flexible and open-minded. How can we expand our horizon if we always do the same thing?

 5.  Travel……yes please!

 Think about your last vacation. What did you like the best about it? Did you return home with a sense of excitement because you saw some cool things and ate some delicious food? Traveling and learning about new cultures is probably one of the best ways to widen your horizon. You are exposed to exotic foods, different architecture and landscapes, foreign languages and customs. If you don’t have a bucket list it’s fun to make one….even if most of the trips might be wishful thinking or daunting (like hiking the Appalachian trails…snakes, bears and eating freeze dried food? I’ll pass for now!).

 6.  Practice mindfulness

 By now, most of us know that practicing mindfulness is supposed to be good for us. Some of the benefits of mindfulness are stress reduction, it makes us feel connected to Mother Nature and the Universe, it eases depressive symptoms and increases cognitive functions. Another benefit that can help broaden our horizon is increased “Awareness”. If your mind is too clouded by stress, negative emotions, deadlines, etc., you cannot fully become aware of your surroundings, the people in your orbit and your inner vibes.

 Here are some other tips to expand your horizon:

• Watch documentaries

• Join a book club, bible study or a discussion group

• Listen to podcasts or audiobooks

• Join a hiking or walking club

• Learn to meditate (some people like to sit or lay down, whereas other people meditate walking on the beach while looking for sea shells)

• Create a vision or inspirational board

• Start a new hobby

• Learn a new language or skill

• Take some cooking or baking classes

• Take a college class for fun…don’t roll your eyes at me : )

• Surround yourself with people who inspire you

• Read, read, read, and read……the old fashion way with a paper book ; )

• Practice empathy

• Listen with an open mind

• Volunteer

• Be a sponge for new information and knowledge

Now, go out there and explore, have fun, make new friends, eat some weird food, learn about different cultures and unleash your inner child : )

The misconceptions about postive thinking

 We have all heard about the Power of Positive Thinking. It is hailed as a magic wand that can miraculously change your perspective, lift up your spirits, and ease symptoms of depression. Positive thinking has been studied for decades and even the early Philosophers, like Epictetus, have talked about the power of transforming your life by simply changing your thought process. I have always struggled with the idea of Positive Thinking because it sounds easy to do, but in reality, it is more challenging than we think it is. Our brain is wired to think a certain way due to life experiences, education and cultural upbringing. If you tell someone who is severely depressed to think positive it can actually backfire because they have been in a negative state of mind for such a long time that they don’t know how to think positively. I remember when I first started studying Psychology and I learned about Positive Psychology. I was so excited about what I learned, because it seemed like the holy grail for mental health, that I wanted to share it with my dad who suffers from depression. Well, I had no idea that my enthusiasm for Positive Psychology would make my dad burst out in anger. If he would have been able to throw an object through the phone he would have probably done so. It took me years to realize why my dad was so angry. Before I go into details why Positive Thinking might not always be the right tool for everyone I do want to list some benefits of Positive Thinking:

• Improves Longevity

• Builds resilience

• Reduces stress and anxiety

• Improves self confidence

• Helps build more genuine and meaningful relationships

• People are more attracted to you…who doesn’t want to be more attractive ; )

• You see new opportunities

• Helps you age more gracefully

OK, now that you are aware that Positive Thinking is awesome let me tell you about the Downsides of Positive Thinking….and why my dad was trying to rip my head off when I told him to think positively.

• Positive Thinking can create disappointment if the outcome is not what you expect it to be.

• Positive Thinking can create unrealistic expectations and goals. Positive thinking alone is not always enough to reach your goals. Discipline, motivation, the ability to accept setbacks and realistic goals are important as well.

• Positive Thinking makes you feel like a failure if you are not successful. How many times have I compared myself to my more successful friends believing I must be a failure. Unfortunately, positive thinking does not promise success.

• Positive Thinking requires a lot of mental training on your part. You can’t just do it when it’s convenient. It has to be practiced every day like gratitude.

I’m all about “Positive Thinking”, “Positive Vibes”, and “Positive Attitude” but at the end of the day it cannot magically cure your depression or land you that dream job. You can use positive thinking to defeat self-doubt, to tackle complicated problems, to help you build meaningful relationships and to change your perspective.

“A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.” (Joyce Meyer)

What’s the secret to positive aging?

I recently walked into my favorite Boba shop to meet a friend. As I looked around I noticed that everyone seemed to be under the age of 30. I said to my friend “Every time I come to this Boba place I feel old,” which was replied by “You are old!” I wanted to smack my friend, but I know it was said jokingly.

I have always had a bad relationship with aging. In my late thirties I would pull out every gray hair I could find worrying that it would make me look older. In my early forties I started scrutinizing my wrinkles like they were an enemy I needed to defeat. I realized that so much of my self-worth was depending on my beauty and I didn’t want to succumb to the pressure of plastic surgery. I always admired the grace and beauty of older French women who wear their age as a token of honor and not as a burden.

At one of my last jobs, working as an Activities Coordinator, I had the wonderful and humbling experience working with seniors. I noticed that some seniors were better agers than others, which made me wonder why. I embarked on a quest to find the secret to Positive Aging.

First, I wanted to hear about the different perspectives on positive aging from my friends and family. Here are some of their answers:

JoAnn: “Being natural, staying active, traveling, having a fulfilling social life, faith, meaningful activities.”

Brian: “Finding yourself, keep growing, mobility, stop caring too much.”

Karla: “Gaining knowledge and wisdom, maintaining relationships, staying positive, being in nature.”

Scott: “Accepting the things we cannot change, not dwelling on the things that we have lost, being active.”  

 I love all of these answers!

Here is my perspective on Positive Aging.

• Building and Maintaining Meaningful Relationships.

If you think about meaningful relationships what would be important to you?

Personally, I value people who take the time to get to know me on a deeper level. I appreciate my friends who support me, believe in me, and accept me the way I am. Meaningful relationships go beyond what we can see on the surface; they have depth, you feel safe being with that person, you can be vulnerable without the fear of judgment……you know they will laugh at your dumb jokes ; )

• Acceptance

Accepting what we cannot change can sometimes be difficult because we either mourn what we have lost (for me, I had to give up running in my mid-thirties due to bad hips, which left me yearning for the adrenal high I used to get) or we want what we can’t have (I’m still dreaming about the Beach Condo on the Mediterranean ocean). Practicing acceptance will help us age more gracefully because it will be easier to deal with the downsides of aging (like less mobility or energy). My experience working with seniors showed me that those who practice gratitude find more meaning and purpose during the last chapter in their lives.

• Healthy Diet/Balanced Lifestyle

I’m obsessed with researching the Secrets of the Blue Zones, which are areas in the world that have a high number of centenarians. It’s not that I want to live to a 100 (sounds daunting!); it’s more about the quality of life than the life span. I don’t advocate for any radical lifestyles or diets (Unless you are a saint, you can probably not give up the pleasures of eating delicious, but unhealthy, foods forever). A balanced lifestyle should not deprive you of any pleasures; it should give you the permission to indulge every once in a while, knowing that you are still practicing healthy habits. A balanced lifestyle should be about nourishing your physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual needs.

•    Activities and Hobbies that bring you Joy

One of the reasons why I loved my job as an Activities Coordinator was observing the smiles of the seniors during the activities. Some of them refused to come to the activities, due to depression or anger being stuck in a senior home, but once I would convince them to attend the classes their faces would light up with joy. As humans, we need to feed our creative brains, we need to connect with others, we need to be challenged intellectually, we need to be silly and do fun things. When was the last time you did something fun that made you feel like a kid again? Laughter is definitely the best medicine; do something fun today, even if it’s just watching adorable dog, cat or baby videos on social media.

•   Exploring

When my daughter was young she loved to watch “Dora the Explorer.” Her face was glued to the TV with wonder and curiosity. A curiosity that we often lose as grown-ups, which is quite understandable with all the problems we face. The reason why exploring is so important is because it feeds our inner child, it breaks up the monotony of our daily chores, it broadens our intellect, and gives us something exciting to look forward to.

Exploring can be anything that you have an interest in, sparks your creativity or awakens your curiosity. Some of my favorite ways to explore are: traveling, visiting museums, new friendships, new hobbies, new coffee shops (one of my favorite), watching documentaries, small talk with the person next to you on a plane (I met some really interesting people on my solo flights), finding ways to spice up my romantic relationship, discovering a new passion/talent, going for a walk in nature, etc.

•   Meaning and Purpose

One of the reasons why Japanese people live longer is that they have a philosophy called IKIGAI, which is “a reason to live, a direction or purpose in life, a sense of fulfillment and meaning. IKIGAI can be a lifestyle, a daily ritual, or a way of cultivating one’s inner potential. It is a higher level of aspiration.”

Unfortunately, in our Western Society elderly people often live alone or they end up in a Senior living facility, which can make them feel worthless. Also, being empty nesters, retirement or working a boring 9-5 job can diminish our sense of meaning and purpose.

I know from my own experience that a lack of purpose is detrimental to our mental health, which is why I try to find ways to create meaning and purpose in my life; such as writing my blog, focusing on deepening my relationships with friends and family, trying to make this world a better place, listening without being judgmental, smiling at a stranger or coworker (sometimes a warm and genuine smile can make someone’s day) , and sharing my positive vibes : )

What is your IKIGAI?

At the end of the day, there is no Secret to Positive Aging. It is how you define what the last chapter in your life should look like, what you need to do to have a fulfilling life, what you are willing to invest to have the quality of life you envision to have, and how much you love yourself to realize that you can make this world more beautiful at any age.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter; if you don’t mind it doesn’t matter!” (Mark Twain)

What is self-love?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Do you pay more attention to the things you don’t like about yourself? I believe a lot of people are like me. When I have a good day I’m able to ignore the things I don’t like about myself and shift my focus on the things I like, but when I have a bad day I seem to look at myself through a lens of harsh criticism.

Where did the concept of Self-Love come from?

According to history, Self-Love has not always had a positive connotation.

Buddha (c.563-483) believed that the desires of the Self are at the root of all evil.

Confucius (551-479 BC) valued Society over the Self.

The Christian monk Evagrius (345-399) believed excessive Self-Love was a major Sin.

Self-Love was first promoted by the Beat Generation (1950s) and the Hippie Era (1960s) to promote positive energy after World War II and the arising of environmental issues.

Also, the second wave of the Feminism Movement promoted Self-Love as a way of empowerment and a cry for equality.

When we talk about Self-Love, what does it really mean?

Here are my thoughts on it:

1.    Self-Acceptance

This is a concept that I emphasize a lot in my blog posts, which has been essential to my own mental health. Without self-acceptance it can be difficult to maintain your self-esteem and self-worth, especially when you experience painful situations, such as abandonment (my mom abandonment me when I was 7 years old, which left me believing that I was un-loveable), harsh criticism, a romantic love rejection, you didn’t land that dream job, or you were bullied as a child. You don’t have to accept everything about yourself (you can still work on that desire of transforming your Buddha belly into a six-pack) but it’s important to accept the things that we cannot change. Even if we can change what we don’t like about ourselves, we still have to evaluate if the effort is worth the benefit. Hint, do you really want to exercise every day and starve yourself to get that six-pack? I know, eating pizza and binge-watching Netflix sounds better right now ; )

2.    Patience

If I could invent a pill that would magically instill more patience in us, I would be a billionaire right now living on my yacht sipping a Pina Colada : )

When I talk about patience I don’t mean patience for others (that is important as well!), but I’m referring to patience for yourself; the patience to trust your journey. I have to admit I’m not a very patient person. I want what I want now, which is normal in our “instant gratification” society. Patience is very important because life doesn’t always unfold the way we envision. Most of the time the work we put in doesn’t manifest right away, which can be very frustrating. If we don’t see the results right away, or maybe never, we have to remind ourselves that it’s more about the journey than the goal itself.

3.    Self-Respect/Well-Being

The reason why I emphasize self-respect is that without it we tend to do stupid things, we let other people treat us badly, we don’t take care of our body and mind (self-care), and we don’t treat ourselves with compassion and kindness. I had to learn self-respect the hard way, after experiencing toxic and dysfunctional relationships. Self-respect encompasses many facets, such as mind, body, spirituality, lifestyle, friendships, romantic relationships, etc. When we have self-respect, we don’t do things that will jeopardize our mental, emotional and physical health, but it has to be practiced every day, just like gratitude. 

4.    Self-Actualization

Abraham Maslow didn’t come up with his “Hierarchy of Needs” for no reason. When I was a young single mom all I could think about is coming up with the money to put food on the table and gas in my car. I didn’t have the time or the privilege to think about self-actualization. Why is Self-Actualization so important? First off, we all have the potential to do great things that not only boost our self-esteem but also make a positive impact in this world. Also, people who feel more fulfilled in life are usually happier and have healthier relationships with others. A healthy self-esteem boosts positive emotions, such as empathy, gratitude, mindfulness, compassion, and self-love.

Lastly, with self-actualization comes personal growth and wisdom : )

5.    Self-Forgiveness

I’m sure most of us have done things that we regret or feel bad about. Some of the bad things that I have done still linger at the back of my mind. Unfortunately, I don’t have a time machine to fix my mistakes, but I can choose to forgive myself. Living with regret, shame or guilt can be a heavy burden to bear. It’s difficult to move forward when you carry a giant bag of negative or toxic emotions. Let that shit go (excuse my language)!

Forgive yourself for being human because none of us is perfect; well, Perfectionism is overrated anyway!

Sometimes, the mistakes we make transform us into better people.

Now, you can come up with your own definition of Self-Love.

To me Self-Love is buying myself flowers, taking the time to do the things I love to do (like writing my blog), meditating underneath a tree, getting massages, daydreaming about adventures, hanging out with friends who make me feel good, and buying myself that delicious, sweet (maybe not good for me), Pumpkin Spice Latte : )

The happiness illusion

 Did you ever wonder why some people who seem to have the perfect life (they have money, success, good looks) are not happy? I certainly did because as humans we tend to compare ourselves to other people. The quest for happiness is the ultimate human endeavor. Hundreds of books have been written on how to achieve happiness and I have read my share of them, but I never understood how to achieve true happiness. I believed happiness was contingent on our accomplishments, finding the perfect partner, living in a beautiful place, following our dreams, being young, beautiful and skinny, and being loved and accepted by others. I was curious to know how other people define happiness and I asked five friends what happiness means to them. I received a lot of similar answers, but also answers that were unique to the person’s personality. The most common answers were peace of mind, health, to love and to be loved, success, money, finding balance, feeling confident and brave, freedom, life goals, and inner peace. I loved all of the answers, but I saw a problem with it; can we still be happy if we don’t have good health, achieve our goals, find our soul mate, or earn a lot of money? From my own experience, chasing after happiness is more like a drug addict chasing after the next high. We believe once we have reached a goal it will make us very happy, when in reality it only makes us feel sad after the initial high of reaching the goal has worn off.

When I pursued my dream of studying psychology I believed receiving my diploma would be the ultimate happiness factor. I pictured myself walking on stage, with a big smile on my face, receiving the diploma while my family cheered on in the background. Well, it did happen exactly as I imagined but the happiness factor only lasted for a short time. I realized receiving my diploma did not make me happier then I was before. So, naturally I was looking for the next happiness high. I believed receiving a master’s degree would be more prestige and special than a bachelor’s degree; surely it should make me happier. One of the best, and the worst, things that happened to me was being unemployed for five months. Watching Netflix can be fun for a while, but it doesn’t make you happy. So, here I was sitting on my couch, feeling bad about myself, and nothing to be happy about; no career, no money, lots of student debts, no goals, and no confidence in myself. What is the purpose of life if you can’t achieve happiness? My husband thinks I’m obsessed with Pinterest, but I get a lot of inspiration from people who have overcome or managed to live with difficult situations. I read a quote that changed my outlook on happiness, which is “A secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is, instead of what you think it should be.” Thank you to the person who came up with this quote; it helped me overcome my life-long obsession achieving true happiness. I realized happiness is a state of mind that, even though it’s fragile, can be changed by letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing life for what it is; complicated, exciting, painful, beautiful, adventurous, disappointing, challenging, fun, and sad. I no longer expect my achievements or people to make me happy. I do believe that pursuing goals will enrich anybody’s life, but these goals should be about creating meaning and not happiness.

How to keep your sanity during difficult times

Life has a way of challenging you, questioning your sanity, and testing your patience and resilience. A couple years ago we went through one of humanities’ worst crisis; the COVID pandemic. During the pandemic many people questioned whether they could weather the storm, unfortunately some couldn’t (as was shown in the spike of suicide and divorce rates; so sad!) , but many people emerged from the darkness much stronger. For myself, the pandemic was a test to my resilience, my strength, and my sanity. Fortunately, my life experience, my wisdom, and my intuition provided me with a different perspective, which helped me grow my coping skills.

Also, I found this quote by Landom Parham very inspiring: “Life isn’t just about darkness or light, rather it’s about finding light within the darkness.”

For all of you who are struggling to maintain your sanity during difficult times here are some ways you can cope with all the bullshit life throws at you ; )

• Let go of having to be in control

Most humans are prone to anxiety because we have the ability to envision our future, which is not always a good thing. We think about the bad things that could happen, which makes us feel anxious about events that haven’t happened yet or will never happen. In order to alleviate this anxiety we need to feel in control of our lives; even better if we could control the future as well. If we lose our sense of control, which was the case during COVID self-isolation, our anxiety gets worse. It seems to be a vicious cycle, which is why you need to let go of your desire to be in control. The only thing you can control right now is how you perceive the situation.

• Be kind to yourself

When I watch the news I feel happy to see acts of human kindness around the world, but the word kindness does not have to be limited to others. I believe we have to practice kindness to ourselves as much as we do to others, otherwise we will lose ourselves; we might suffer mentally or physically. Take time to self-reflect, take a hot bath, write in your journal, take a walk in nature, let go of perfectionism, banish unrealistic expectations, and love yourself the way you are.

• Curiosity (find your inner child)

Children seem to have an unlimited amount of curiosity, but when we grow up this curiosity often disappears; which is often the outcome of bad life experiences and stress. According to research, curiosity has positive benefits, such as fostering creativity, banishing boredom, increasing our sense of well-being, improving concentration and learning, enhancing our ability to feel empathy, protecting against late-life dementia, and strengthening our relationships. What are you curious about?

• Accept your roller coaster of emotions

It is normal to experience mixed emotions, especially at a time of crisis. The worst thing you can do is feel guilty or ashamed of these emotions. It is ok to feel deep sadness when people are dying and at the same time to feel grateful to be alive. It is ok to be anxious and frustrated even though you know that some people are suffering more than you do. It is ok to be happy one moment and cry the next moment. Embracing your roller coaster of emotions is a sign of strength and vulnerability; it’s part of being human.

• Cultivate resilience

People who constantly work on building and maintaining resilience are the ones who will overcome adversity much faster and maintain their sanity. Resilience is not something that we are born with, maybe a few lucky ones, but it is a life-long process of learning and growing from the hardship we experience. Resilience to me is the knowledge and confidence that I have the tools to overcome most challenges life will throw at me. We don’t know what we are able to endure until we are faced with a new problem, which ultimately makes us stronger. According to Elizabeth Edwards: “Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it’s less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you’ve lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that’s good.”

Other tips to maintain your sanity:

• Laughter is the best medicine

  Practicing QiGong

• Meditation

• Make your bed…..having a daily routine can help us stay focused and feel less anxious!

• Do your normal chores

• ETF tapping

• Yoga

• Journaling

• Reading

• Listening to podcasts

• Exercising

• Live in the present moment

• Be creative

• Foster or adopt an animal

• Reach out to one person every day

• Ask your elderly neighbors if they need help

• Make a bucket list

• Re-invent yourself

• Start a new hobby

• Play board games

• Make a gratitude jar or keep a gratitude journal

• Plan a road trip….my favorite! : )

• Start a vision board

I wish all of you strength, perseverance, hope, happiness, resilience and good health!