Finding your IKIGAI

Finding your IKIGAI

Do you wake up in the morning with a sense of excitement?

Or, if you are more like me, the only reason you roll out of bed is the enticing smell of coffee? If the smell of coffee is the only thing that gets you out of bed than you are probably lacking IKIGAI, which is a Japanese concept for purpose.

For Japanese people IKIGAI is the reason they get up in the morning, their sense of excitement to live their lives in a meaningful and purposeful way. 

I have been searching for my IKIGAI for as long as I can remember. I thought I could find the answer on top of a mountain, jumping out of an airplane, getting a degree, traveling to exotic places, meditating on the beach, or looking for inspiration in other people. What I didn’t know is that the answer lies deep within myself; I had to take the time to explore the one thing I neglected, which was myself.

I thought the best way to find out about IKIGAI is to speak with a Japanese person. On a recent trip to Japan, the land of never-ending beauty, I was fortunate to interview Yoshiko, who at 78 is vibrant, healthy and funny. When Yoshiko heard that I wanted to interview her for my blog her face lit up with joy. Communication was not easy because Yoshiko barely speaks English, but we managed thanks to her family members translating the best they could and a miraculous invention called the iPhone (how did we ever survive without our smart phones?). Yoshiko’s husband Hideo, who at 80 still plays Golf and dresses up every day like he is going to an important meeting, was keenly listening to the interview.

I asked Yoshiko what gets her excited to get out of bed every morning (her IKIGAI). She said that she enjoys doing her daily chores (hmmm….cleaning is not something that excites me but good for her), she loves teaching young kids the art of calligraphy in the hopes this ancient art will not get lost, she enjoys watching her students improve on their work and she likes to envision a bright future for her students.

My next question to Yoshiko was how she creates IKIGAI in her life? Yoshiko said that self-care is very important. Doing the things that bring her joy, like visiting friends and family, exercising, and learning from her students.

I loved her answers so much that I had to throw in one more question. I asked Yoshiko: “What do you think is the Secret to Happiness?” She said it’s about family and your partner, having enough money for stability and safety, eating healthy foods, staying humble and positive, and being physically and mentally healthy. I was so inspired by this woman that I wanted to pack her into my suitcase and take her home.

I recruited my brother Leon to provide me with his insight about IKIGAI. He took this task very serious by not only reading a book about IKIGAI but also sending me very long, almost essay-like, answers…..I really appreciated his enthusiasm : )

What motivates Leon every morning to get out of bed is his eagerness to enjoy and improve his life in many different ways. Also, he takes pleasure in simple things, like going to a coffee shop, listening to music, a satisfying workout at the gym, and spending quality time with his wife.

I asked Leon how he creates IKIGAI. He said that he likes to build or invent things that can improve other peoples’ lives. He feels fulfilled when he can be creative, when he can coach and motivate people to fulfill their potential, he gets excited to make plans and watch his ideas come into reality.

Yoshiko’s and Leon’s IKIGAI might be different but their similarities are in doing things that bring them joy and make their lives more meaningful.

I wanted to dig deeper into the concept of IKIGAI.

The internet has plenty of information on it, but I wanted to narrow it down to four components, which are:

1.    What you Love

This can be anything that brings you joy, like gardening, socializing with friends, traveling, writing, cooking, hiking, making a bucket list, etc. What’s important is that the anticipation of doing it gets you excited, and the activity itself makes you happy.

2.    What you are Good at

Everyone is good at something even if we will not admit it to ourselves or the world. To be honest, I thought I was a terrible writer until several people told me that I needed to continue writing. We will not be good at anything unless we commit to it, continuously do it, and believe in what we are doing.  

3.    What the World needs

Well, besides peace and less poverty. It might feel daunting to think about what you can offer to the world, but everyone has something special to offer to make this world a more beautiful place. My friend Lela is a wonderful artist. I have one of her lovely paintings hanging on my wall making me happy every time I look at it. It’s difficult to know what the world needs until you put it out there and watch peoples’ reactions. Believe me, it’s nerve- wrecking to share your heart, your soul and creativity with the world, but you never know what kind of impact you can make on someone’s life until you try it.

4.    What you can be Paid for

It’s everyone’s dream to get paid for what they are passionate about, but unfortunately there are too many starving artists in this world. Trying to earn a living with something that you love to do should not sound like a crazy idea. It might not work out at the end, but it will not leave you with regrets that you didn’t pursue your dreams. Also, your potential of growth is unlimited.

IKIGAI can be anything that brings you joy, gets you excited to wake up in the morning, makes you feel good about yourself, and provides you with purpose at any stage in your life.

I hope you have already found your IKIGAI. If not, that’s ok. Sometimes, it takes a life journey to find our true purpose.

Before I let you go, I wanted to share my own IKIGAI:

·      Meaningful relationships

·      Spreading kindness

·      Sharing my wisdom

·      Creativity

·      Connecting with nature

·      Exploring

·      Curiosity

·      Helping others

·      Learning

Have fun discovering your own IKIGAI : )

Why do we struggle with self-worth?

Do you have a healthy sense of self-worth?

If you do, you can skip this blog post….just kidding…I hope you will continue reading ; )

What is self-worth anyway?

The dictionary describes self-worth as a “sense of one’s own value as a human being.”

We cannot confuse self-worth with self-esteem because self-worth is internal, and self-esteem is often based on our accomplishments.

I recently had to dive deeper into this topic because I realized that I was lacking self-worth because I was constantly seeking other peoples’ approval to feel good about myself. If our self-worth is depending on external factors, such as getting compliments or praise, we are basically doomed.

The problem with receiving self-worth from external factors, such as being told we are good at something, is that we constantly need to hear it to believe it. I remember when I was a teenager people would tell me that I was pretty, which manifested itself as a belief that my self-worth was solely derived from my looks. I thought as long as I’m pretty I could get what I want. Well, it might have been true for some areas in my life, but I had no internal self-worth. As soon as I realized that my looks would fade with age I started freaking out. What else did I have to offer to the world? I had to ask myself some really uncomfortable questions, such as: “Why is being beautiful important to me?” I needed to dig deeper into the topic of self-love and find my internal source of self-worth.

Some of us might feel like they are not worthy of what they desire; it could be finding love or being successful. Where do these feelings of unworthiness come from?

•    Comparison to other people

All men want to be like Tom Brady and all women want to be like like Gisele Bundchen ; )

Stop the self-comparison; there is only one AWESOME you!

•    Shame

Being told “shame on you” or “you should be ashamed of yourself” will create feelings of unworthiness and the shame can linger for a long time.

•   Past abuse or trauma

Unfortunately, painful memories can sometimes be more vivid than pleasant memories. Survivors of abuse will often blame themselves for what happened, which will leave them with feelings of shame, low self-worth and self-destructive behaviors.

• Perfectionism/High Standards

Are you a Type “A” personality?

If yes, then you might be hard on yourself if you don’t reach your goals. Perfectionists measure their self-worth to their sense of accomplishments. I know what that feels like because I’m a recovering perfectionist.

• Parents/Cultural expectations

Parents try their best to raise their children to become good, successful, human beings but often their expectations can be overwhelming. My dad wanted me to become a lawyer, but I had bad grades in school and dreamed about becoming a famous nature photographer. Eventually, he gave up pestering me about my grades. For the longest time I believed he stopped encouraging me to have good grades because he thought I wasn’t smart enough, which I internalized. I didn’t enroll in college until my mid-thirties. I wasn’t sure if I had to prove my dad wrong or I had to convince myself that I’m smart enough to get a college degree. To make my long story short, and not bore you to death, we often tie our self-worth to our parents’, cultural, or societies’ expectations, which can make us follow a path that is not our true calling.

What can we do to boost our self-worth?

• ·Stop self-criticism

Do you ever catch yourself criticizing your actions or thoughts? Do you like to use harsh words towards yourself, like “Gosh, I’m such an idiot!”  Would you use the same words with your children or best friends?

Self-criticism is very common but poisonous to our self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth.

• Make a list of things you love about yourself.

This should be mainly about internal qualities (because we know the six-pack will not stay forever ; ), for example:

“I’m a good friend”

“I’m kind and compassionate”

“I’m funny”

“I’m trustworthy and dependable”

Use this list to remind yourself of the many things that make you wonderful and loveable!

• Highlight your accomplishments, not failures

Why is it that we dwell upon our failures more than our accomplishments?

Think about the things you are proud of and use your failures as an opportunity of self-growth.

• Self-love

I mention this one a lot because it’s my favorite topic. The more self-love you have the more you will recognize your self-worth!

• Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations re-program your brain, which can help you overcome negative beliefs and self-sabotaging thoughts. A positive mindset will help you recognize your self-worth.

• Stop putting too much emphasis on other peoples’ opinions!

Other peoples’ opinions are based on their own experience, values and standards; they have nothing to do with how you should live your own life!

Putting too much emphasis on other peoples’ opinions will keep you from being your true authentic self.

• Change your narrative

The stories we tell ourselves influence how we look at the world and our own self-worth. If you don’t like the role you play in your own life story it’s time to change the script. That’s the beauty of being your own author; you alone have the power to change the narrative. You can re-write your story to help you imagine what kind of person you want to be and what you want your ideal life to look like.

• Your past mistakes do not define you

It is very common to dwell on our past mistakes because self-forgiveness seems to be more difficult than forgiving others.  

Unfortunately, we are not born with a manual that will provide us with wisdom and guidance to live our life. Sometimes, we have to make bad decisions, disappoint people, take the wrong turn or hit rock bottom to better understand ourselves. Along the way, we need to practice self-forgiveness, so we don’t lose our self-love and self-worth.

• Avoid toxic people like the plague

It took me forever to realize that I was holding on to friendships that were toxic to my self-worth. If you consider yourself a nice person, like me, you will find it difficult to sever ties with people who don’t make you feel good, don’t believe in you, don’t encourage you to follow your dreams, and don’t fill you heart with joy when you spend time with them.

Self-worth is about realizing that you deserve friends who have the best interest for you, who will treat you with kindness and respect, and who will believe in you when you are struggling to believe in yourself.

• Notice the signs of co-dependence

We can become co-dependent in a relationship if we are scared of being alone, if we have low self-worth, if we lack healthy boundaries or if we lose ourselves caring for someone we love. If you feel like you have lost yourself in a relationship try to go back to your roots, to the person you were before the relationship. You might find out that you were lacking self-love and self-worth, which you can address once you identify the reasons for it.

• Self-care

Self-care and self-acceptance are important ingredients to self-worth. Establish a daily practice that will allow you to feel joy and gratitude, so you can notice all the beautiful things about yourself that will ultimately increase your self-worth.

I hope you will always put yourself first, even if it feels selfish. Your self-worth is only dependent on how you feel about yourself; take the time to discover the beauty that shines from within you.

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” 

(Zig Ziglar)

“Believe in yourself, your abilities and your own potential. Never let self-doubt hold you captive. You are worthy of all that you dream of and hope for.”

(Roy Bennett)

The Courage to Pursue your Dreams

I can’t imagine life without dreams. It would be a dark and boring place. Dreams spark our creativity, foster our imagination and help us deal with difficult times. Also, they allow us to envision possibilities, so we can embark on new adventures. When I was a child I escaped into my dream world because I had to deal with abandonment. I didn’t have the tools to cope with my sadness, so I found comfort knowing I could be a princess or warrior. I’ve always been a very creative and imaginative person but when I became a mom at a young age, and life threw some major obstacles at me, my creativity was sucked into a Black Hole. For two decades I was busy being a mom (hoping I did a good job as a mom), a wife, getting a degree, working shitty and meaningless jobs to pay the bills and letting the daily rut steal my positive spirit. I was secretly dreaming about reinventing myself, maybe start my own business, but I was afraid to imagine new possibilities because being in my comfort zone felt safe.

The people you surround yourself with can either help you find the courage to pursue your dreams or make you doubt yourself. I wanted to start a blog for a long time, mostly because writing can be a great outlet for emotional pain, but also to share my stories, knowledge and wisdom with other people. One of the biggest obstacles people face when they want to pursue their dreams is a lack of courage and self-esteem. Every time an idea would pop up in my head I would immediately dispute it. I thought “Why would people want to read my blog?”, “Other people are so much better in writing”, “There are so many blogs out there, the world doesn’t need another blog”. Well, I was more successful in talking myself out of starting a blog than convincing myself to do it. It took years, a series of challenging times (the pandemic included) and the right people to compel me to follow my dreams.

Here is some advice if you are too scared to follow your dreams:

• Don’t let other people tell you what you can and cannot do. You are the captain of your ship and, therefore, are allowed to navigate into any direction.

• Living with regret of not having done something you were passionate about is worse than failure.

• Surround yourself with people who believe in you and support your dreams.

• If you don’t know what you are doing, that’s ok. You will learn as you go, which will give you opportunities to improve your ideas.

• Ignore that little voice inside your head telling you bad things about yourself. It’s your own insecurity speaking to you, which has nothing to do with reality.

• Allow yourself to be excited about your new endeavor. Who wants to watch the same movie every day? Life is about reinventing ourselves, trying out new things, getting out of our comfort zone, pursuing our passion, fostering our creativity, and personal growth.

• If your dream doesn’t produce the outcome you wanted, be happy you were brave enough to pursue it, but don’t dwell on the failure. Move on and find your new passion project!

Whatever it is you are dreaming about I hope you will find the courage to pursue your dreams. I will be your biggest advocate!  : )