Why do we struggle with self-worth?

Do you have a healthy sense of self-worth?

If you do, you can skip this blog post….just kidding…I hope you will continue reading ; )

What is self-worth anyway?

The dictionary describes self-worth as a “sense of one’s own value as a human being.”

We cannot confuse self-worth with self-esteem because self-worth is internal, and self-esteem is often based on our accomplishments.

I recently had to dive deeper into this topic because I realized that I was lacking self-worth because I was constantly seeking other peoples’ approval to feel good about myself. If our self-worth is depending on external factors, such as getting compliments or praise, we are basically doomed.

The problem with receiving self-worth from external factors, such as being told we are good at something, is that we constantly need to hear it to believe it. I remember when I was a teenager people would tell me that I was pretty, which manifested itself as a belief that my self-worth was solely derived from my looks. I thought as long as I’m pretty I could get what I want. Well, it might have been true for some areas in my life, but I had no internal self-worth. As soon as I realized that my looks would fade with age I started freaking out. What else did I have to offer to the world? I had to ask myself some really uncomfortable questions, such as: “Why is being beautiful important to me?” I needed to dig deeper into the topic of self-love and find my internal source of self-worth.

Some of us might feel like they are not worthy of what they desire; it could be finding love or being successful. Where do these feelings of unworthiness come from?

  •    Comparison to other people

All men want to be like Tom Brady and all women want to be like like Gisele Bundchen ; )

Stop the self-comparison; there is only one AWESOME you!

  •    Shame

Being told “shame on you” or “you should be ashamed of yourself” will create feelings of unworthiness and the shame can linger for a long time.

  •   Past abuse or trauma

Unfortunately, painful memories can sometimes be more vivid than pleasant memories. Survivors of abuse will often blame themselves for what happened, which will leave them with feelings of shame, low self-worth and self-destructive behaviors.

  • Perfectionism/High Standards

Are you a Type “A” personality?

If yes, then you might be hard on yourself if you don’t reach your goals. Perfectionists measure their self-worth to their sense of accomplishments. I know what that feels like because I’m a recovering perfectionist.

  • Parents/Cultural expectations

Parents try their best to raise their children to become good, successful, human beings but often their expectations can be overwhelming. My dad wanted me to become a lawyer, but I had bad grades in school and dreamed about becoming a famous nature photographer. Eventually, he gave up pestering me about my grades. For the longest time I believed he stopped encouraging me to have good grades because he thought I wasn’t smart enough, which I internalized. I didn’t enroll in college until my mid-thirties. I wasn’t sure if I had to prove my dad wrong or I had to convince myself that I’m smart enough to get a college degree. To make my long story short, and not bore you to death, we often tie our self-worth to our parents’, cultural, or societies’ expectations, which can make us follow a path that is not our true calling.

 

What can we do to boost our self-worth?

  • ·Stop self-criticism

Do you ever catch yourself criticizing your actions or thoughts? Do you like to use harsh words towards yourself, like “Gosh, I’m such an idiot!”  Would you use the same words with your children or best friends?

Self-criticism is very common but poisonous to our self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth.

  • Make a list of things you love about yourself.

This should be mainly about internal qualities (because we know the six-pack will not stay forever ; ), for example:

“I’m a good friend”

“I’m kind and compassionate”

“I’m funny”

“I’m trustworthy and dependable”

Use this list to remind yourself of the many things that make you wonderful and loveable!

  • Highlight your accomplishments, not failures

Why is it that we dwell upon our failures more than our accomplishments?

Think about the things you are proud of and use your failures as an opportunity of self-growth.

  • Self-love

I mention this one a lot because it’s my favorite topic. The more self-love you have the more you will recognize your self-worth!

  • Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations re-program your brain, which can help you overcome negative beliefs and self-sabotaging thoughts. A positive mindset will help you recognize your self-worth.

  • Stop putting too much emphasis on other peoples’ opinions!

Other peoples’ opinions are based on their own experience, values and standards; they have nothing to do with how you should live your own life!

Putting too much emphasis on other peoples’ opinions will keep you from being your true authentic self.

  • Change your narrative

The stories we tell ourselves influence how we look at the world and our own self-worth. If you don’t like the role you play in your own life story it’s time to change the script. That’s the beauty of being your own author; you alone have the power to change the narrative. You can re-write your story to help you imagine what kind of person you want to be and what you want your ideal life to look like.

  • Your past mistakes do not define you

It is very common to dwell on our past mistakes because self-forgiveness seems to be more difficult than forgiving others.  

Unfortunately, we are not born with a manual that will provide us with wisdom and guidance to live our life. Sometimes, we have to make bad decisions, disappoint people, take the wrong turn or hit rock bottom to better understand ourselves. Along the way, we need to practice self-forgiveness, so we don’t lose our self-love and self-worth.

  • Avoid toxic people like the plague

It took me forever to realize that I was holding on to friendships that were toxic to my self-worth. If you consider yourself a nice person, like me, you will find it difficult to sever ties with people who don’t make you feel good, don’t believe in you, don’t encourage you to follow your dreams, and don’t fill you heart with joy when you spend time with them.

Self-worth is about realizing that you deserve friends who have the best interest for you, who will treat you with kindness and respect, and who will believe in you when you are struggling to believe in yourself.

  • Notice the signs of co-dependence

We can become co-dependent in a relationship if we are scared of being alone, if we have low self-worth, if we lack healthy boundaries or if we lose ourselves caring for someone we love. If you feel like you have lost yourself in a relationship try to go back to your roots, to the person you were before the relationship. You might find out that you were lacking self-love and self-worth, which you can address once you identify the reasons for it.

  • Self-care

Self-care and self-acceptance are important ingredients to self-worth. Establish a daily practice that will allow you to feel joy and gratitude, so you can notice all the beautiful things about yourself that will ultimately increase your self-worth.

 

I hope you will always put yourself first, even if it feels selfish. Your self-worth is only dependent on how you feel about yourself; take the time to discover the beauty that shines from within you.

 

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” 

(Zig Ziglar)

 

“Believe in yourself, your abilities and your own potential. Never let self-doubt hold you captive. You are worthy of all that you dream of and hope for.”

(Roy Bennett)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Previous
Previous

Finding your IKIGAI

Next
Next

The Courage to Pursue your Dreams