Have you ever felt shame so intensely that you wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out?

Did the feeling of shame linger for such a long time that it started to erode your self-worth?

What is shame anyway?

Shame is an emotion that involves negative self-evaluation; we often believe that there is something wrong with us, which is not always based on facts but mostly arises out of fear of being judged by other people.

Most of us have experienced shame for different reasons, whether it is something we have done or not done, something we have fantasized about (our shadow side we don’t want to reveal to people) or some high standards we believe we have to live up to.

Let me tell you, shame is a toxic emotion, which I experienced firsthand when I dropped out of the master’s degree. I felt ashamed because I believed that I was letting down the people who supported me on my journey of becoming a therapist. The shame made me feel like a loser and, ultimately, I fell into a deep depression, which lasted hundreds of episodes of binge-watching Netflix shows. Eventually, I ran out of interesting shows to watch and hubby was tired of seeing me in the same yoga pants every day ; )

Out of the darkness came the inspiration to start this blog : )

 Why is shame such a bad emotion?

• It diminishes our self-worth.

 As soon as we feel shame we tell ourselves that there is something wrong with us, that we are a bad person, which not only results from our own moral compass but also our own insecurities. Our fear of being judged negatively by other people amplifies our feelings of shame. When we worry about other people’s opinions, we do not give ourselves permission to make mistakes. When you feel shame give yourself grace and compassion. You deserve it!

• It can cause or worsen anxiety.

 I still remember the agony I experienced having to tell my husband that I wanted to drop out of the master’s program. It took weeks of sleepless nights, and stomach aches, to muster up the courage to tell him. The shame I felt, and believing I was a loser, was so intense that my anxiety was up the roof. For anyone who has experienced extreme anxiety, they know it can be debilitating.

• It can fuel existing depression.

The Question “Does anxiety cause depression or depression cause anxiety?” has been debated for decades. What I know from experience is that anxiety, rumination, negative self-evaluation can cause or worsen depression. Shame is such a toxic emotion that it can skew our perception of reality. Letting go of shame is not easy; practicing self-forgiveness is the first step of letting go of shame.

• It can lead to anger and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Shame encompasses many aspects of ourselves. It’s not only that we feel shame for something we have done but also something we are not doing right. Someone who is obese might feel shame for his or her inability to lose weight, which can turn into self-sabotaging behaviors, such as binge-eating. I know when I feel shame I like to binge on sugary treats because it makes me feel better for a few moments. The problem with self-sabotaging behavior is that it makes you feel good for a short time but afterwards you experience more shame. It’s a vicious cycle!

• It can distract us from other painful feelings or memories.

When we experience shame, it can mask underlying issues that have not been resolved, such as childhood trauma. Often, shame can be a manifestation of a painful memory that we have chosen to bury deeply into our subconsciousness. Sometimes, it is easier to forget than to face the uncomfortable process of healing.

•   It can make us spiral down into perpetual negative thinking.

Feeling shame results in disappointment and harsh self-evaluation, which often overlaps into other areas. Feeling shame often gets mixed up with guilt, which are two emotions that can linger for a long time. I know from experience that one negative thought can grow into a wildfire of negative thoughts if we don’t put a stop to it. Personally, when I catch myself dwelling on negative thoughts, I allow myself to sit with it for 5 minutes. I don’t criticize myself for feeling the way I do. I do not analyze my thoughts, but I simply let them pass like a rain cloud in the sky. Self-compassion and acceptance are the keys for overcoming toxic emotions.

“Shame is the warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. When we feel shame, we damage the roots from which love grows.”     (Brene Brown)